Welcome to Freddie Mercury Online, Your latest online resource dedicated to the talented Frontman. Freddie is best known as the singer from the band Queen. Songs like Radio Gaga, We Will Rock You and Bohemian Rhapsody are numbers of the band. Unfortunately Freddie is no longer with us but through this fansite you will learn so much about the legend Freddie Mercury. Enjoy the gallery and the news.
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20
Jun 22
freddiemercuryonline   Featured

Comedian Malcolm Hardee attends Freddie’s 38th Birthday party and steals his incredible 12-foot long “Roller” cake…

Malcolm Hardee is invited to perform his ‘Balloon Dance’ which takes all but three and a half minutes to perform. He will perform the act with two other guys and they will receive £600.

“We’re booked to perform our infamous Balloon Dance for the lead singer of Queen’s thirty-eighth. This is a routine I do with two other guys, consisting of us dancing stark naked – apart from strategically-placed balloons – to the tune of Tea For Two (cha cha cha!).

We arrive at Club Xenon on September 5, 171 Piccadilly, and are ushered to the ‘dressing room’ which in reality is a cupboard behind the stage. There is, however, a small window in the door through which we can peer out across the stage at the celebrity party-goers.

The Management inform us that we must remain in the cupboard until we have finished our set. There are four or five other acts, including a Russian acrobat and a midget.

The show begins. Freddie’s Management – six blokes in funny suits and ties – come in to the cupboard and inform us that we can’t go on. I’m naked and ready to go. Quite reasonably, I ask why. The Management tell us that our act might be considered ‘gay’.

Obviously disappointed, I try to reason with them but The Management will have none of it and insist on paying me off in full.

I’m disappointed and disillusioned. After about 15 minutes, the cake appears. It’s huge: a great red cake in the shape of a Rolls-Royce, complete with the number plates FM1. Three burly carriers lay it on three tables for Freddie to cut. He stands behind the cake, the paparazzi stand in front. Freddie grasps a 12” knife in both hands and poses for pictures. He stabs the cake and strides off.

By this time it’s 2.00am and I suggest to the others that we go home. We head for a side door. In the corridor by the exit – untouched except for a single stab wound – is Freddie Mercury’s Birthday Cake. I look at my companions, they look at me and I utter the words I know they want to hear:

“We’ll have that,” I say.

You would never think a cake could weigh so much. We certainly don’t, until we drag it out of the door and to our Ford Transit, (which, as luck would have it) is parked a mere 20 yards away. We open the back and in it goes… well, not quite. There are still three or four feet sticking out the back. And so we drive the eight miles back to my house in south-east London with the back end of Freddie Mercury’s red Roller sticking out of the back of our battered Transit.

We arrive back at my place only to discover that we can’t get the thing up the stairs. Martin – the sensible Balloon Dancer – suggests we take it to his house, seeing as how he lives on the ground floor. By this time it is 3.00am, but we think, “F*** it, it’s got to be done.”

We get to Martin’s place and try to take the cake in. Slight mishap: it won’t fit throught his door. By this time, we’re getting good at solving cake conundrums. No problem, we take out the window.

Mission accomplished. We clear the only two tables in the house and there it lies, in pride of place. Drive home. It’s 4.30am.

The next day the phone rings.
I pick it up and answer with an only slightly subdued “Oy! Oy!”
“It’s Louis…” The agent. “You bastards! You’ve stolen Freddie Mercury’s birthday cake!”
Me (quick as a flash): “No we haven’t. It must have been some teenagers we saw when we were leaving.”

Louis: “Well, the Management have called in the police. That cake cost £4,000.” Click.

I can admit to being slightly worried…
I ring Martin: “Mart, they’re on to us. I’m coming round.”

Martin has a bright idea. “We can’t eat it – it’s too big – let’s give it to an old people’s home. Old folks like cake.”

Brilliant. We phone the local old people’s home which snaps up the offer of free cake for the foreseeable future.

Window frame out. Cake back in Transit.
As we drive away from Martin’s house and deliver the cake to the Reynard Memorial Nursing Home. Breathe a sigh of relief and drive home.”

A hilarious story from the book:

“I Stole Freddie Mercury’s Birthday Cake And Other Autobiographical Confessions” – By John Fleming and Malcolm Hardee (Comedian)

Peter Freestone did confirm that the cake was stolen by one of the talents to perform at Freddie’s party. This was the first time I read the “confession.”


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